The Bicycle Troops

                                                                               

The 2-peds of Chicago  

They are parked in uniform rows ready to attack the streets of Chicago.See them whizzing in traffic. What 2-wheel finesse...what artistry. Baryshnikov would be duly impressed. Am I? No, a thousand times no. I've been deprived of a driving lane --left to maneuver around white sticks in the pavement.

 I’m thinking of foregoing right hand turns because bicyclists dare me to turn in front of them with “litigate” in their snarly eyes… I’m getting prominently displayed middle fingers flashed at me as bicycle riders wheelie past through a red light.

Do they get tickets? Of course not. Yet I am photographed...my car is photographed... my license plate is immortalized if I dare ramp up the accelerator, or go thru a yellow when a red light catches me three-quarters into the intersection. And, if I stop too suddenly, I'm certain to be rear ended and have my insurance costs double.

I think it should be mandatory  for all bicyclists to wear a license around their necks--one that could identify them for any transgression.  And any moving violation! In fact, issuing "license" numbers would be a breeze for those cyclists renting the new blue city bikes. Imagine something like the numbers worn in a triathlon.  The city would benefit unbelievably from tickets issued to the 2-wheel nastys on the avenue.

Oh, but wait.  How about the jaywalkers? You know the ones.  You're going 25 miles an hour and some idiot steps directly in front of your car in the middle of the street--no crosswalk, no corner--and they stare at you like you are the bad guy.  Or you're making a left hand turn and they smile as you're forced to stop three-quarters into the turn, about to be hit by oncoming traffic.  Or they're talking on their frigging phone and you stop on a dime as they walk in front of your moving car--the coffee in the holder spills onto your lap and the open briefcase on the passenger seat spills onto the floor.

California tickets them. What do we do? Create more walkways in between the traffic lights. When I was a child, I was taught to look both ways and cross when it was safe--at the light. I thought that was a pretty smart solution. Now, it's wherever and whenever you feel like crossing the street.

I think it's time to rebel. Without cars in Chicago, cameras would have nothing to photograph. The cit would have no fines to collect, no stickers to sell. Police officers could spend their days protecting the taxpayer whose real estate taxes would rise even more, encouraging them to leave the city. In addition, with no funds, the potholes would not be filled, the streets would not be repaved, and bicyclists would no longer be able to whiz through lights particularly if they did not want their tires punctured. It would be a brave new world!

Now, I happen to like bike riding but I choose to ride in the safety of an exercise facility. I used to ride along the lakefront; unbelievably, the paths were empty when I moved back to the city several years back. Now, it’s more like the Autobahn. Between the cyclists huffing by at incredible speeds, triple strollers, and casual walkers walking three abreast, you are at the mercy of the many. After a torn rotator cuff, I took it easy. After a dislocated shoulder, I sold my bike.

Maybe you need to have the bravado of youth or be a lover of high risk riding to maneuver the streets of Chicago between the “white sticks”, the bike lanes and the SUVs. In any case, I still believe you need a license around your neck and a ticket to remind you there are rules on the road.

In fact, Chicago would have a great revenue stream if anyone renting one of our “blue bikes” were forced to pay for a bike license. Just think how that number could be prominently displayed each and every time they rode a bike. Think of the ticketing opportunity potential!

And if you think those bikes are helping to reduce congestion in the city, you haven’t been driving lately down Milwaukee Ave, or somewhere in the Loop, or around the East Bank Club. Or Dearborn Avenue. I will admit, some times of day are worse than others.

I’ve been in Chicago long enough to remember the gripes about bicycle-messengers. “A threat to pedestrians… to drivers.” They are milk toast compared to a trader on 2-wheels.

What do you think? Should Chicago become the cyclist city? Is there room enough for both cycle and automobile? Should cyclists have to display a license plate? Are car drivers being singled out to fill the city coffers—camera tickets, license plates, city stickers, gasoline taxes, parking fees and fines.

It would be wonderful to hook the tire of my convertible to a lamppost and not worry about a meter running out of time. But that, and snow in July haven't a chance of being more than a wish. So...I have decided to sell my car, walk for pleasure, ZIP Car-it for special shopping and limo-driver-it for non-walking, non-cabbing buyer tours. It will be my brave new world.